Hiding

Finding truth in the hidden moments
Hiding self from the pain
From myself
Not knowing my own thoughts
Not recognizing the face in the mirror
The pain in my chest
Never leaving
The panic setting in
Promising to never forget
Giving reasons constantly masking
Never truly honest
Never fitting in
Constantly hiding
Feeling myself slipping away

Finding reasons

Always finding reasons to be alone
Looking for reasons to leave
Seeking those that never come
Just to leave me be

The answers come so readily
On why I don't belong
Yet the reasons to stay won't let me be
No matter how much I long

I'm surrounded by the pain
the darkness
Left to be alone
Searching for the reasons
And yet finding none

The peace I long for
remains unfound
Wondering what I have in store
Keeps me bound.

What reasons keep here
Why reasons pull me away
Nothing is really founded
Everything gone astray.

Too late

I gave in
For the first time since you left
I gave in to my addiction
Now what is left?
I'm nothing without you
And now with you gone
I can't find the strength to hold on
Oh baby
Sweetheart
I'm sorry
You're wrong
I should not be the one in your song
Baby
Oh baby
I'm too broken to tell
What's left here is just a shell
A shattered version of what I've been
No strength
No longer a friend
So broken
Unending
Why?

Only without me

People walk by
Never noticing the knife in my eye

People stare straight forward
Only noticing when they trip over
My problems
My pain
My annoying habits
Never enough
Too much to handle

Hearing of their laughter
Only when I'm gone
Will it truly be a happy song

Everything I ruin
All that I touch
Could have been so much

There is so much better
So many more friends
Yet I struggle
Just to make a difference

I push through my struggles
To find everyone gone
Trying hard to fade
To stop hurting someone

Anyone I touch it's all the pain
The struggles
The moments
I thought I loved you
But it's not enough

My love no one wants
My pain expanding till it's too much

Holding on seems useless now
Pushing past feeling
Past myself
Somehow

I want to show you how life truly is
Don't want to hurt you
Don't want to push
All of me hides
Where no one will look

Then maybe
Some day
You'll be safe
But only without me

Wondering

That moment
When things slow down
The world stops spinning out of control
Silence
Deafening silence
Surrounded by numbness
Feeling nothing at all
Perspective comes
Everything so small
Nothing makes sense
Yet it will all fall
Places searching
Forever reaching
Wondering
should I stay
or should I go
Should I stop talking
Or should I keep trying

Fleeting

Moments
That's all they are
Fleeting and brief
Temporal
Happiness never to last
Feeling you brush against me
In my mind
Never too close
Never too far
My heart is broken
The pain is here to stay
Making its home in my heart
The stabbing
The heaviness
Crushing the resolve I have left
Bit by bit
Losing to this eternal darkness
That is growing from within
"Useless
Empty
Small
Unimportant"
The words echo within my empty heart
Moments of nothing
Bursts of pain
Pounding
Rushing
Blinding
Nothing worth this
"You are a burden..."
Whispers in my mind
Lies and truth
Mingling into my realities
Creating a never ending pit
Spiraling
Falling
Never landing
Wanting the end

Without You

Baby I miss you…
I love you so much more than I thought a person in this life possibly could.
I’m forgetting you though.
I’ve forgotten the way you hold me
the way you looked,
the way you kissed me.
I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be loved by you.
I miss you so much hunny.
I just want you back. I want to be in your arms.
I want you to kiss my shoulder blade as we fall asleep.
I want to wake up in the morning to your kiss.
I want to be your wife. I want to be your baby girl.
I want to make you smile and laugh. I want my face to light up when you walk in.
I want to hear your Shae Baby songs.
I want what we had back. I don’t want you to be gone.
I’m so scared without you here.
I miss you.
I love you! 
I wish I could remember what it felt like;
I wish these tears could be wiped away by your hands. 
I miss your hugs and the way you made me feel. 
You were my baby.
The one I wanted to care for, 
even though you fought me every step of the way. 
I wanted to protect you and love you for your whole life. 
I wanted to be the one you called yours.
I wanted your children
and I wanted to love you for the rest of my days.
I feel so alone without you.
Sleeping and waking up without you are the hardest things I do.
I wish I could just dream about the time I spent with you.
I wish I could dream about you holding me. I want to stop feeling this way.
I want to be happy. I want you back.
But I cannot have you.
I feel like you are just a figment of my imagination,
that the last 4 years were just the most amazing dream. 
Sometimes I wish that were true, 
but then you wouldn’t be mine for the rest of eternity.
I love you Babe… So much,
and I always will.
That will never change no matter how long I’m here without you.

Ever Resisting the Fall

my heart pounds, my hands feel the blood rush, the rips and tares become more visible as I feel the memories come flooding back. I am surrounded by visions of the past and impossible futures. my throat constricts and I feel my stomach drop my thoughts go in uncontrollable directions. am I worth it? Do I deserve this? Did he leave the situation? Or was it me? I don't want to let anyone in But I need people to see me To understand that I cannot be me I've stood alone too long I can't do it much longer But I'm too much for anyone I push too far and I fall apart The pounding becomes stronger The blood rushing faster The pain becomes blinding and incapacitating memories become a blur The need for red comes The flowing and the ebb of pain The desire doesn't soften Instead it grows to unbearable heights threatening to drop me on the mistakes of my past

Starting Over (New Love)

First time I saw you Across the room you waved You pulled me aside Butterflies start I put one hand on your heart

Lying on the grass Looking at the sky My heart’s going fast I wonder why Then you come into my mind Pulling me closer there we go starting over

A smile, A laugh, A wave That’s what makes my day You touch me My heart races I see you My breath quickens Its all I can do To keep standing

Here in your bedroom Lying on my side Staring at your face Eyes open wide My skin tingles as you trace

Walkin’ down the beach Starin’ out at the waves You’re holdin’ me close Time passes by There’s no reason why Pulling me closer here we go starting over

A smile, A laugh, A wave That’s what makes my day You touch me My heart races I see you My breath quickens Its all I can do To keep standing

Here we go once again On this crazy ride First time, new love You’re pulling me closer Standing at the edge with you And we dance

A smile, A laugh, A wave That’s what makes my day You touch me My heart races I see you My breath quickens Its all I can do To keep standing

Here we go once again On this crazy ride First time, new love You’re pulling me closer Standing at the edge with you now And we dance And we dance

When I see Love

when I see love 
It’s the look they share across the room. 
It’s that moment when their hands brush and they try to hide the smiles that spread across their faces. 
It’s when the other walks into the room and your face lights up just because they are there. 
You can see the love in their eyes when they look at you across the airport. 
Love is shown in how another person hugs you and makes you feel right at home. 
It’s that way they look at you when they think you aren’t looking. 
The way they are excited to come home to you. 
It’s in the way that you hold hands when walking down the street. 
It’s in the way that when you’re together all day you still miss them when they leave at the end. 
It’s in the way that they smile when looking at your face in the morning light. 
How they hold your hair back as you get sick, 
or buy you medicine at the store when you can barely move.
 It’s in the way that they protect you from those that hurt you. 
Love is found when they hold you enclosed within a blanket watching the sunset. 
It’s found as you walk through a haunted maze and they squeeze your hand reassuringly while laughing at you. 
Love is found when they watch a movie with you that will make you cry and wipe away those tears. 
It’s found in the way they wake you up in the morning, 
the way they say your name. 
It’s found in the witty banter in front of strangers. 
It is found in how they gently move your hair out of your face before kissing your forehead. 
Found when you both laugh at nothing at all, and yet feel closer for it. 
It’s in the way they show up to the hospital out of breath because they were worried. 
Love is found in the way they describe you to others while comparing you to the best and worst things in their lives. 
Love is more than just one single action or feeling. 
It’s the accumulation of those actions and feelings 
that sometimes in the most amazing cases has the result of marriage

Who Am I?

Who Am I?
I can be anything
But what will I choose?
Devil or Angel
Or something in between
But which is me?

I am an outcast
That is me
I sit there just watching 
Life passes by
Nothing affects me
But wait…
Thats not me

Who Am I?
I can be anything
But what will I choose?
Devil or Angel
Or something in between
But which is me?

I am a dancer
That is me
I’m twisting and turning
So gracefully
I’ve given my life 
But wait…
Thats not me

Who Am I?
I can be anything
But what will I choose?
Devil or Angel
Or something in between
But which is me?

I am a cheerleader
That is me
Yelling until I die
Cheering my team
Always with a smile
But wait…
Thats not me

Who Am I?
I can be anything
But what will I choose?
Devil or Angel
Or something in between
But which is me?

I am a scholar
That is me
Studying faithfully
My perfect grades
Define who I am
But wait…
Thats not me

Who Am I?
I can be anything
But what will I choose?
Devil or Angel
Or something in between
But which is me?

I am a songwriter
That is me
Putting my thoughts on paper
Showing my soul
Setting my song free
But wait…
Thats not me

Who Am I?
I can be anything
But what will I choose?
Devil or Angel
Or something in between
But which is me?

Who am I?
Could it be
They’re all me
Inside?

Live Free (song written Jr. Year)

All little girls love to see
The romances in movies
Where the prince 
Sweeps them off their feet
But that romance isn’t real
It’s not truly true
Just Hollywood’s way to get you
To give your heart away
Well my advice to you is:

Live free
With your heart and your key
Just live free
Keep them close to you
Just live free
Maybe then you’ll see
All the things you could be
If you just live free

Later in life when you’re a teen
Thinking you need him
But he just
Doesn’t treat you right
Hoping this romance is real
You stay with him
Just trying to see that prince
Who isn’t really there
Well my advice to you is:

Live free
With your heart and you key
Just live free
Keep them close to you
Just live free
Maybe then you’ll see
All the things you could be
If you just live free

Don’t lose that fun side
Don’t get me wrong there
Keep that little girl inside
And stay free of cares
Hold your heart close
Never give it away
Until maybe that one day
When the perfect guy comes
Until then our advice to you is: 

Live free
With your heart and you key
Just live free
Keep them close to you
Just live free
Maybe then you’ll see
All the things you could be
If you just live free

Live free
Just live free

Pain un-healing

This pain un-healing
Never ending
Time extending
Filled with doubt
Regret
Distrust
Finding reasons to stop
The world keeps turning
Never learning
Never ending
Stop
Turn around
Never break the sound
The broken record repeating
Saying the things people say
Lies and mistakes
Not who I really am
Wondering
Begging
Feeling
Pain un-healing

The knife comes closer

Day by Day
Needing
Pushing
Growing more every day
But everyday harder
Pushing, pulling fighting
addiction
the flow of red
the rush of adrenaline
needing that release
wishing for one moment
where peace surrounds
knowing of the numbness that comes
Puling, pushing fighting
remembering
the days and nights with you
pushing for the memories
fighting the images
wanting home
Pushing Pulling fighting
hating
the mirror screams I'm not enough
I'll never be
the scale yells out
you're a burden
you're ugly
you'll never be enough
people screaming in pain caused by me
worthless
useless
hurtful
mean
manipulative
words cutting worse than the knife
could stop the pain
pushing, pulling fighting
the voice comes down before the night
"you are mine
I chose you
my beautiful princess
my goddess of the future
don't give up
i love you
you have an infinite worth
beyond what you could ever imagine."
the voice echos
comes before the edge
saving me for another day
Keep pushing pulling and fighting
as the knife comes closer